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The Unknown…

I recently joined the married club. Prior to saying “I do” I fantasized about and romanticized marriage. I believed that I would have a doting husband and in-laws that embraced me with open arms. I envisioned that my holidays would be spent alternately with his family and mine. My future children would be sent to their grandparents in the summer and they would be spoiled with much love and adoration.

Well, that’s definitely not the way our journey began. The honeymoon phase lasted approximately five days because:

  • My husband obtained a teacher/coaching position at a local high school that required him to work six to seven days per week during football and track season
  • Both of us felt we were losing our independence and had great difficulty merging finances
  • We acquired a roommate within the first week of marriage
  • We purchased a money pit prior to marriage that gradually needed major repairs: a new roof and fence due to a catastrophic event, a complete master bathroom remodel due to a slow leaking shower, new flooring upstairs, new appliances
  • The ZINGER, nuclear family issues spiraled out of control, boundaries were crossed, and battle lines were drawn

Needless to say, after countless hours of therapy, co-pays rendered, bottles of Cabernet, Prosecco, Chardonnay, and Angry Orchard were consumed I came to the realization that the Secret Society I joined failed me and I honestly had no clue as to what I’d signed myself up for. There’s no adjective to describe the magnitude of disappointment, devastation, and depression I’ve felt while trying to navigate the journey of being a newlywed.

I am writing to tell the recently committed, engaged, and married person out there who has been bombarded with real life while trying to begin a new life with the person they love that you will have days you question your decision to enter into marriage with the person you love. You will also have days when you ask yourself, “Is this really my life?” However, with time, meditation, prayer and self-discovery you will realize that your marriage will not look, feel or function like anyone else’s and the hiccups that annoyingly arise at the most inopportune times are simply growing pains.

I invite you to wait and see how the negatives currently processing in the Dark Room develop!

 

 

 

Featured post

Unexpected

Accidents, curveballs, lemons to lemonade, bombshell, off track, distracted all adjectives that describe the unexpected. For a person like myself, that is a planner, the unexpected upsets my apple cart.

I didn’t expect to fall in love and get married. Why? Because I feared heartbreak.

I didn’t expect to be successful, because all I ever knew was disappointment and broken promises.

I didn’t expect to be strong due to the weakness that saddles my back and is also known as my life-long battle with depression.

I didn’t expect to be loved by many because I never saw myself as God sees me.

I didn’t expect to give so much of myself to others because so much has been taken from me.

I’m learning to see the beauty in the unexpected and alter my expectations of life, living, and my pursuit of happiness.

Admission Ticket

I submit this ticket to you as a one time admission of my inability to escape my invasive thoughts of inadequacy, incompetency, and need to be right. 

This is my admission that you have served as a kind mirror of the things that I’ve swept under the rug and pulled the wool over my eyes with. In my times of fear you’ve been my security blanket. In my times of sorrow you’ve been my comfort. Even when I’ve felt alone, you’ve been a strong presence never leaving my side.

I no longer plead the fifth nor am I ashamed to admit that I’m a creature of habit and comfort. I love to do things that I know I will succeed in and quit those that are too challenging. However, you dare me to conquer the unknown and overcome barriers. I find strength in your confidence that I can do all things.  

To God, my husband, and family (if you’re reading this I mean you) I admit that even though I act and like to think that I don’t need you…I do!!! 

Doorbell

My insecurities seem to have become unwarranted solicitors of my heart and soul as of late. I’ve spent the last three weeks with floods of thoughts and questions:
Am I accomplished? What am I working toward?

Do I look fat?

Should I still be a social worker?

Am I invisible? Can people see me? Do they hear and understand me?

Why did that woman look at me that way when I simply said hello?

Will I be a good mother? Hell, can I have kids? What if I can’t? 

Long story short, I’ve driven myself crazy with these fleeting thoughts. It appears that once the proverbial door closes to one issue another one appears. I thought by hanging a cross, a “No Soliciting” sign, and politely asking these insecurities to stop invading my space that maybe the peace I’ve been seeking would finally grace me with its presence. 

However, no matter how hard I try the welcome mat is always placed in front of the door to my mind and spirit. 

Indebtedness

The cornerstone of my religion emphatically proclaims that I’m born into this world free- debt free, not enslaved to credit cards, student loans, any other master than the Lord, and lastly not to a relationship of any sorts. However, I find myself in predicaments in which others feel that they’re owed an explanation, a response or letter of separation when I decide that the friendship/relationship is no longer mutually beneficial.

Today in a counseling session, I was enlightened. The topic of discussion was the biblical verse regarding “…turning the other cheek.” I explained my interpretation–to continue to allow a person, situation or object remain in your life unnecessarily believing that your exhibiting forgiveness. The counselor refuted my statement and informed me that she interpreted it as turning the other cheek, remaining turned, and going the other way. In that moment, I had an epiphany! I’ve obtained whiplash, hell I have a severe neck injury due to continuously turning my cheek.

With that being said, I can longer afford these expensive relationships that exhaust my finances, time, efforts, and expend my energy. I find myself constantly driving on empty and without fuel to deal with my own issues because I’m indebted to someone else. So today, I’m pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I’m not going to swipe the debit card linked to your emotionally bankrupt, overdrawn account. I’m cashing out and you may keep the change. I believe this should clear my debt that you believe you’re owed. But if not, I am okay with this account going to collections.

B. I. T. T. E. R.

via Daily Prompt: Bitter

Benign emotion that tends to make itself a resident in one’s mind and heart. Once a resident, it becomes the driving force of actions and motives.

Ignites malice and misery causing one to lash out and at times exhibit irrational behavior.

Targets innocent people you interact with, often leading the inhabitant of bitterness into isolation.

Torments the one it has captivated as they are unable to shake the fateful hold it has on them.

Evades the reasoning that caused one to be bitter originally.

Repeats all of the above until the root cause of bitterness is identified and cured.

Not Moved…

Since as far as I can recollect everyone else’s feelings, opinions, wants and needs have superseded mine. It’s been engrained in me to apologize when I wasn’t the offending party, remain silent when I’m aggrieved, and forget trespasses when the behavior goes unchanged. 
When did your feelings become more valued and mine discounted? Why are your unwarranted negative actions permissible and my redirection not? My alter ego doesn’t surface when needed which saves my offenders from my flippant tongue, moving neck and rolling eyes. However, next time I’ll pause to phone a friend and correct your misbehavior immediately. 

Your apologies are not received as sincere gestures. Instead they are deemed as weak attempts to pacify my need to be in good graces with everyone. Your tears no longer warrant my empathy. Your inability to be genuine, grow from experiences, and need to perseverate on irrelevant encounters have produced my dismissive response toward you!

In case you missed the memo… I’m not moved!

Out-laws

Excluded. Ostracized. Victimized. Penalized. These words mostly describe a criminal that’s been apprehended and serving a bid. But, in this case I’m talking about myself, a free woman. I’ve been pegged the enemy, someone that causes division and discord. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I had high hopes for me and my husband. Hopes that his family would become extensions of me. That I’d be embraced with open hearts and minds. The reality is my presence is a threat, a force to be reckoned with, and a reminder that life can and will be good if you so choose. I’m hated and mistreated for no good reason.

Naturally, this has caused dissension in my marriage. The more I attempt to create boundaries the more resistance. Now, I’ve made my self inaccessible (Apple gifted iPhone users with call block), anesthetized, and borderline bitter.

In this place of despondence I met loneliness- a friend of mine for many years. We discuss my inability to be understood, and my true intentions seen. What a mess!

The Honeymoon

Someone call Crimestoppers! Our honeymoon was stolen! It was an all-inclusive trip to Mexico, Aruba, Tahiti, or a lavish, ridiculously expensive trip to Dubai. It’s been missing since November 13, 2016 and while it wasn’t paid in full, the downpayment should at least be refunded.

The world will force you into believing that if you don’t take a honeymoon after your wedding, your skipping a vital step in beginning your life as newlyweds. However, the world doesn’t tell you that planning a honeymoon or any other major purchases take proper planning if you live on a budget.

I remember being somewhat disappointed that my husband and I didn’t have a honeymoon. We stayed in a swanky hotel the night of our wedding, were both ill, went to bed before 10:00 p.m., woke up the next day to go to Urgent Care, were diagnosed with Upper Respiratory Infections, picked up our prescriptions at the local Walgreen’s and came home only to go back to sleep. Very uneventful, right?

Looking back we had our honeymoon, many mini-moons and enjoyed each other thoroughly. During our trips to Chicago, St. Louis, New Orleans, and Las Vegas we grew immensely. My favorite trip was Chicago, during this vacation we had too much fun and missed our flight home. Due to our budget constraints (p.s. no one tells you that just because you have two incomes, doesn’t mean you’ll have more money), we had to ride the Greyhound from Illinois to Texas. Let me tell you…it was then that I knew my husband was the one. We took turns keeping vigilant, he reassured me that we were no closer to our final destination than we were when I asked 10 minutes ago, he kept me calm, and protected me.

Although the Greyhound didn’t serve alcoholic beverages with umbrellas in them and there was very little sunshine, I must say this most likely was our honeymoon…spending quality time, bonding, and simply being in the moment.

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